01mrm,  Motherhood,  nursing

Bittersweet Break Up

This is not a mutual break up.  But it is understandable.  I have become less interesting, less flexible, less exciting.  I’m just plain ol’ me.  All of a sudden, the world opened up and there was so much more to see.  Something better came along.  Something more fun, flexible, and exciting.

My heart is a little bit broken tonight.  Just a little bit.  I haven’t nursed Nathan in 43 hours.  Nearly two days.  I think this might be it.  It might be over.

The day Nathan entered the world was one of the best days of my life.  I felt so empowered.  I felt so strong.  So happy.  So blessed.  I also fell in love all over again, with my perfect baby boy, with being a mother, and with breastfeeding.

Nearly ten months later, we are almost done.  Nursing, at least.  It has been 43 hours since Nathan last nursed.  For two weeks now I’ve only nursed him at night or first thing in the morning.  The last few mornings he hasn’t been interested.  I’ve been hanging on these last few weeks, not ready to let go.  not ready to accept that we have reached this stage.  But tonight, I think I am accepting it.  My baby is almost a toddler.  He has taken his first steps.  He is wearing his big brother’s shoes.  He crawls at lightning speed, and isn’t afraid to voice his own little opinion.  And one of those opinions is that he’d rather have a bottle.  I’m too slow.  I’m not portable.  I block his view of the world.  Geesh.

Weaning is emotional.  It is hard to let go of that bond with my baby, hard to accept that he is growing up and doesn’t need me anymore.  Or at least in the same ways.

What am I trying to say.  I’m sad.  I’m sad that Nathan and I are done nursing.  I’m sad that he is already so big.  I’m sad that I don’t have that special bond with him anymore.  But I’m happy too.  I’m happy to almost have my body back.  I am just not cut out for extended nursing.  And neither are my boys.

So I guess I’m just trying to say goodbye.  Trying to close a chapter that has been so amazing, so rewarding, and so empowering.  Ready to watch my son grow and become a little boy.  I am so proud of him.

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